The toughest choice

It’s 6am and we’re skyping the other side of the world. ‘Get the camera off me, my hair is mental!’ I’m barely awake.

I don’t want to feel this angry forever. Christ! I’d be incredibly grateful if I could park this by Christmas but I have to accept I will always feel a sadness.

Having a stepson when I will never have a child of my own was a blessing. Every moment was precious and his loss is all over the house. It’s all over me.

We do still have him but he is not here. He is 12 hours ahead and 27 hours away and I worry he’ll forget me and my time as stand in mummy will be my memory to cradle.  Our family wrestles in the park, arguments over how much food he has to eat, trips to the beach, nerf gun fights and our ridiculous chatter about made up characters in Dr Seuss books. I want him to remember it the way I do. Feel about it the way I feel.  Miss it the way I miss it every day.

I know he won’t. It’s different for children.

Someday I hope he learns how his loss nearly tore us apart. How his loss stopped his father wanting another child and  left me unable to visit my best friend’s baby because the pain of seeing her new arrival was too much for me to bear. One day I hope he knows how much he was and is loved.

We wanted you here but your mum wanted to go and legals were just too angry. She would have fought and fought and you were so upset for a while.

The weekend when you cried out and asked your dad not to hurt you was gutwrenching.  Gentle as ever he only wanted to play and you screamed and ran away as he entered the room. You hid under the coffee table and only I could calm you down. The battle hadn’t even started and you’d picked up on the telephone arguments. You thought he was hurting your mum.

The battle stopped and the move began.

I wanted to fight harder. I would’ve paid for lawyer after lawyer for as long as it took but your dad said no. No trauma for his child. No statistics.

The battle stopped. You were calm again. Life was calm again. It was all that mattered x

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Fuck! I need to do something!

I’m angry inside. I can’t tell you the exact moment I noticed it today but I am.

Perhaps I can’t tell you because I’ve felt this way for longer than the hours today has given me. Angry for ages. Pissed off, frustrated, stuck, unhappy and cross. Maybe that’s it.

I guess things are quieter these days and shit is getting noticed again. There’s no other noise to cover it. It’s exposed.

Argh! If that is the case I need to do something about it don’t I!?

Fuck!

Oh fuck!

Oh fucking fuck!

I fucking know I need to do something about it, don’t I!?  I just don’t want to because it will be uncomfortable, sad and probably miserable. I’ll undoubtably feel guilty and worry about how I’m perceived. I’ll panic I’ve made the wrong decision and spend pointless hours staring out the window whimpering at the ‘poor me’ state of things.

Think I’ll just sit with it for a bit longer in case someone else does it for me. You know, gets so fucked off with me they force the change.

 

Insomnia

One of the things I miss the most right now is sleep. I just want to sleep.  I’ll do anything to sleep!

I’m too tired to chase It. It’s like being on drugs!

Don’t fuck with me sleep. I’ll be there at 10.30pm. Don’t let me down.

I want the kind of sleep you see on the television. Warm bed, soft pyjamas, steaming mug of milk. Big stretch. Smile at the day just done. Excited glance towards a cute bell topped alarm clock – ‘what will tomorrow bring?’ Comforting snuggle into the fresh deep bedding and …SLEEP!

Bliss!

Pretty sure I’ll drop off for an hour then treat myself to several hours of anxious worry, regret, self loathing and trust issues.

 

I’ll never be completely happy here

This is the excerpt for your very first post.

I’ve been looking at sperm donation, IVF and home Insemination today.

Looked him straight in the eye last week and said I could choose. Him or a baby and I wanted to go with him. Painful but possible. Time to move on. And I was lying!

Truth is I want both. Him and a baby and I can’t settle. It’s not working. I want it to work. I need it to but it’s not. I’m constantly in another place. My mind is so busy. So pained.

I’m so lost…

He said since losing his son through separation he will never be completely happy ever again.

Sadly, I now know that if I am able to choose him, I will never be completely happy again either.