Every time I think I can look people in the eye and say ‘I’m finally ok with this’ (and mean it!) something happens that sends me flying back to the start.
When I splat into the wall I feel like I’m losing my mind. I feel trapped, uncertain and miserable. Anger and resentment spills out of me and covers the man I am trying to be ok with this for.
Last night he told me he found holding his friends new baby difficult because it reminded him his son lives far away. I blurted out ‘but we could have our own!’ And the night fell apart. I felt dizzy and confused and hopeful and powerless and jealous and sad and angry. I felt all of those things and now I’m feel tired and spun out. Worried and indecisive. Weak.
Once again he has said no to a child of our own. He can look me in the eye and unwaveringly mean it. He has one, he doesn’t need another one. It’s up to me to park my desire or move on.
Simple choices to make if you don’t love the man giving you the options so much you want the baby with him alone.